My Story

One evening, a few months ago, I was thinking of my new grandbaby, Paisely Marie. I was pondering on her sweet and beautiful spirit and getting excited for her upcoming arrival.  Then it hit me like a ton of bricks…. Will she love herself the way she was created??  The battle this beautiful little girl will face and perhaps struggle with her entire life, as so many people do.  What battle is this? The battle or struggle of fitting in and loving ourselves they way we were created, or perhaps in a short simple term- becoming beautiful as the world sees it. This battle is real for so many, including myself.  The battle isn’t won in one defining statement and/or moment.   I wonder why is it this way?  Why does my granddaughter have to even endure such a fight?  Why do we? How did this battle start?

I thought back and pondered on my childhood.  Admittedly, most of my recalled memories are about times/place/incidents in which I felt inadequate.

I don’t really remember the exact moment I felt I needed to change myself to finally become beautiful?  Or even why that became a goal?  However, my 8 year old mind did make a list of things to do to become beautiful and to love myself:  Loose weight, get a perm, get permission to wear makeup, wear colorful clothes, etc….   That was my young childhood dream board.  Why?  Maybe it was the commercials with skinny and exotic women?  Maybe it was because I was bullied and so often accused of eating too  many twinkies?  Which by the way, I never understood the stigma with Twinkies and being overweight….  Maybe it was the realization that the prettier and slimmer classmates were popular? I wonder what amazing things I could have accomplished if only my dream board would have looked like this: Learn from my elders, help a classmate who appears to be sad, participate in school groups, NEVER be afraid to ask the teacher for help, help my parents cheerfully, serve my brothers, and love EVERYONE! Maybe if my mind would have been focused on doing good to others, then I would not have put so much pain on myself? I have spent so much time, money, tears and prayers on changing myself- Why?  So I could become beautiful and then be loved….. Fighting this battle, chasing beauty, is a difficult one.  Chasing this goal has created many maniac moments for me.  For instance, each year there is a new way/thing to make your self beautiful.  How do you chase a dream that doesn’t really have a final destination?  If my goal was to become a doctor, I would go to school and take the required courses.  However, becoming beautiful is an elusive goal, a battle in which is fought within.  There really is no literal end or destination to become beautiful.  It is a never ending fight of hating yourself, they way your were created.  With each person we meet, we compare ourselves to only to find another flaw we have, something with ourselves that we need to fix.

I do not want my granddaughter to create dreams based on something so artificial and insane! What really is beauty?  What was I really wanting/chasing?

Then I wondered,” How do the people in my life define beauty?”  I asked my friends and family to define beauty for me.  Not one person defined beauty as being skinny or anything relating to physical appearance.

We all know what real beauty is, yet we have allowed ourselves to believe the worlds definition of beauty.  Even the cigarette commercials, back in my day, advertised skinny, popular, and exotic women smoking…..  What did that teach a young mind?  Smoking is another thing to make you beautiful?  Insane!!

Beauty is benevolence, all summed up!  Benevolence is kindness, well being and the intent well doing.  Beauty is NOT the outside appearance.  My mission is to help redefine the word BEAUTIFUL and help each and every person I can, to love themselves they way they are. Restore confidence is woman all around the world.  Bring back the love of writing through my daily defense journaling.

I do not want another minute of my life to be wasted on false beliefs of beauty.  I do not want my granddaughter to have a dream board like my younger self.  How amazing this world, ourselves and our families could become if we all focused on the true meaning of beautiful. I want every woman to feel confident and beautifully created.

I have suffered many afflictions because of my view of the world and myself.  I have been in the pit of self-hate and loathing because of the way my body looks. It is a very dark and lonely place to be.  If we can unite in benevolence we change the world; one benevolent beauty at a time!

Beauty Is:

Kindness – Nature – Service – Well doing – Joy – Confidence – Delightful – Big Heart – Charity – Helping Others – Spiritual Strength – Humbleness – Radiant – Empathy – Courage – Peace – Within – A Mother – Kind Actions – Compassion – Grace – Lifting Others – Smiles.

Benevolent Beauty means kindness and the intent of well-doing.  The symbol of my blog is a Peacock which symbolizes integrity and beauty.  A peacock is a possessor of the most admired human characteristics.

I am done searching for the worlds definition of beauty!  I will not chase the perfect clothing size, the perfect flawless skin and the perfect weight.  Enough is enough- I am done!

I encourage you to follow me on this journey, it will be life changing!  Encourage all those in your life to walk this path with you.  Lets redefine the worlds view of beauty!  Beauty is within each of us. Will you be a benevolent beauty?



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